“I’m in a field full of trees and there’s no way out.”

Jason Lynam is a member of North Wingfield Joggers and the Wingerworth Wobblers.

Jason running the Derwent River Relays

Last year, in January 2024 he had a breakdown. This is a hard story to read, and talks about mental health and suicide.

How it all started:

At the beginning of last year, Jason was dealing with a number of family health issues. His niece was diagnosed with Diabetes, but refused to accept that she was ill and ignored all the advice the Drs gave her. Unfortunately, this caused her to lose the use of her kidneys and pancreas and the hard hitting truth came, when she was given a year to live.

Alongside this, Jason's Uncle, who was also seriously ill, was refusing to go to hospital, didn’t want any help and accused Jason of spying on him when checking he’d taken his tablets.

This was the breaking point for Jason, he argued with his Uncle, said he was never going back, walked out and this was the start of his breakdown. The pressure of trying to help other people had taken its toll, he looked at a knife and said “I’m going to end it”.

When he went into work the following day, he explained what was going on, they put him in contact with a crisis team who after speaking to him provided him with some counselling sessions.

He still remembers his first session and she said;

“where are you?”

“I’m in a field full of trees, and there’s no way out, everywhere I turn there’s a tree, I can’t get out.”

The counsellor told him to put his hand on his chest, and say with all his heart,  you can do it. Jason said no, he wouldn’t agree to something he can’t do, it took him a long time to be able to think straight and to get his head right.

The sessions were going well, until work announced they had no more funding for the sessions, and after only having 6, his world fell apart again and those intrusive thoughts of suicide started to creep back in.

“There’s no way out, I’m done, don’t have anyone to talk to, no one to turn to, no one to listen… where’s that knife, I’m finished”

Jason took matters into his own hands, and contacted the counsellor direct to pay for private sessions, this worked out a lot cheaper than going though work.

Normal, everyday tasks were near impossible for Jason. He couldn’t cope with being near anybody, including his wife Maria. The thought of going for a drink or meal filled him with dread and running was out of the question, both on his own or with a friend. He didn’t want to do anything other than stay in the house.

14 months ago, Maria found Andy Mans Club on the internet. The first time he went, he thought ‘can I do it, yes/no’… He went in and it was the hardest thing he’d ever had to do. The second time he went, he called his auntie and explained where he was going. ‘To Andy man’s club, it’s for talking about your problems’, she thought he was being stupid and didn’t need it. This messed with his head, he sat in car and thought ‘I’m not going, I’m going to sit in the car park and tell Maria that I’ve been’ and then he thought no, he better go in and he’s been going ever since.

North Wingfield Joggers (NWJ) raised £300 for Andy Mans Club (AMC) last year and have been a massive support to Jason. The Wingerworth Wobblers have also helped him and showed their support during the Wingerworth Wobble race last year. He didn’t know whether to do it or not, what reception he’d get, or how he would react to other people.

Everyone went to Jason individually to chat to him, and didn’t put any pressure on him to do more than he wanted to. People were genuinely happy to see him and chat about how he was.  This is what got Jason back into running.

Road to recovery:

Jason was fed up of being stuck inside a factory, the stresses, always getting mad, not being friendly, biting at Maria. He wanted to make a change, to start volunteering, or do something for him.

He started a new job at MacIntyre Derbyshire, where they provide learning, support and care for children, young people and adults who have a learning disability and/or autism. It’s such a rewarding job for Jason and a way of giving back.

Running has helped give him a sense of purpose and to help clear his head. Now it’s a total turnaround. He used to turn up to races with a bad attitude, thinking everyone else was idiots and he’d try to beat them. Now he turns up and runs for the fun of it, the enjoyment of running is more important than the result. If he has a good race great, if he has a bad race it doesn’t matter.

At Park Run, he gets more enjoyment from standing and cheering everyone in, rather than getting a PB.

He’s not signing up for many races at the moment, he did the Wingerworth Wobble in March and has booked a couple of his favorites, The Big Dipper and Hardwick 10km.

He’s enjoying helping people right now. At the Bolsover 10km he helped Chris get a PB, they then went back and supported Jane to finish the same course.

He loves being part of a community, like NWJ and the Wobblers, it doesn’t matter about pace or people with different capabilities, you just encourage them to come along and enjoy it. Helping someone achieve what they didn’t think was possible, is way better than the feeling of getting a PB.

He went trail running with a friend Martin, and he was asking him different questions, saying are you ok talking about it, asking him about the breakdown and things he’d gone through. That’s the best thing about it, people will ask and they want to know.

Now he has no problem talking about it, he just tells them. He’s not ashamed or frightened of what he’s done and been through. There’s still this stigma around Men talking about their feelings and it needs to change.

Jason applied for funding from Jog Derbyshire, through NWJ to do his Leader in Running Fitness (LiRF), but is yet to start it due to the passing of his Uncle, he’s looking forward to doing it very soon. He wanted to become a LiRF leader to give something back to the community. He wanted to give back to the people that helped him, like Andy Mans Club, everyone that helps as a facilitator,  has been through their own struggles, and now they try to help people on their journey of recovery.

Andy Mans Club:

ANDYSMANCLUB takes its name from Andrew Roberts, a man who sadly took his own life aged 23 in early 2016. Andy’s family had no inkling that he was suffering or struggling to the extent that he was, and as a result looked deeper into male suicide and men’s mental health. They soon discovered that male suicide is the biggest killer of men under 54, with male mental health surrounded by well-ingrained cultural stigma in the UK.

Elaine Roberts and Luke Ambler are Andy’s Mum and Brother-in-Law, together they came up with the idea of ANDYSMANCLUB, a group where men aged 18 and above can speak openly about their mental health in a judgment-free, non-clinical environment.

Groups now operate nationwide and are completely volunteer-led, with all group facilitators having first interacted with ANDYSMANCLUB when they came through the door as a service user.

Jason has been a facilitator since November 2024, you are put forward for this role and he was chosen due to his ability to read the room and know when someone needed space or was ready to talk.

Every week works the same way. The meeting starts at 7pm every Monday night. You start by getting a drink and biscuit before an hour long talk, where you chose to either listen or can join in. This is a judgment free area and you don’t even have to provide your real name. You can chose to have a one to one chat with a facilitator or stay in the group setting.

The main issue they find at these meetings is that people never think their problem is big enough, compared to other peoples, but he wants to remind you that they listen, no matter how big or small you think your problem is. People come to meetings, and sometimes all they need to do is unload all their worries off their shoulders.

Advice:

Get help and talk. Don’t bottle it up, turn to your nearest person, even if you think you can’t talk to them and just talk. If you don’t think you can talk to your partner, find someone else. It might hurt when you tell people, but you need to. You have to talk, don’t bottle it up because people want to help.

Admitting that you need help is the most difficult part. At AMC they say;

“Before you try to help anybody else, you need to sort yourself out first, otherwise, it’s more pressure on you trying to help someone else when you have your own problems to deal with.”

Best thing you can do is talk.

And now…

Jason has been having counselling since February 2024 and will be finishing in 4 weeks’ time. He also regularly attends meetings at Andy Mans Club, and everything’s a lot better now.

Jason's niece is on the road to recovery and is on the waiting list for kidney and pancreas transplant.

A final message from Jason, for his wife, Maria and friends:

"Maria has been through hell and back in the past couple of years. She knew something was wrong, but with me being so stubborn, I refused to accept anything was wrong.

This put strain not only on her, but our marriage, as she no longer felt like I cared about her anymore.

The worst thing was not being honest with her. I did a stupid thing and lent someone some money and when Maria asked, I lied and made something up. She gave me numerous opportunities to admit it, but I just kept telling lies, which hurt her more than anything. 

She always made sure I was OK if we went out. One time I left her in pub eating, as it all got too much for me. But she never held that against me, it’s just the lying that hurt her loads. 

Words can't describe what she means to me and to show her how much I love her, I have told her we are going on a cruise, because she deserves it and more.

Thank you to everyone that has helped me on my journey to finding myself again and I am now in a much better place than I have been for years.

So, if you are struggling or feeling down for whatever reason PLEASE TALK TO SOMEONE. Don't bottle it up and the biggest thing is be HONEST with the people you love. It is hard to tell the closest people to you, but the first step is the hardest."

If you need help or someone to talk to, please find details below:

Find A Support Group - ANDYSMANCLUB

Mind Support Line 0300 102 1234

Samaritans 116 123 (free from any phone)

National Suicide Prevention Helpline 0800 689 5652

SHOUT 85258 (a text service if you don't want to talk